Take the complexity and uniqueness of the individual, multiply it by the extraordinary and you will have the possibility of enjoying and maintaining a meaningful, energized, sexy–intimate couple relationship. With all of this complexity and potential personal benefit, it is perhaps not surprising that most couples experience problems of one sort or another, from time to time, that can be resolved with the help of couples therapy.
Unfortunately, many couples wait until they are on the ropes before seeking a couples therapist. By that time, they can be confused, sad, angry, blaming each other, fearful for their future, feeling unheard and uncared for, even desperate. Things are increasingly said that can create distance, rather than closeness, and they are hard to take back: “2 seconds off the lips, 20 years in the heart.” The conflicts couples struggle with increasingly have the only meaning of “winning” or being “right” of feeling “justified”; they go nowhere except toward more mental, emotional, and spiritual suffering.
Every couple is unique, and their problems, at least on the surface, are different.
Just about every couple can benefit from couples therapy that helps them:
- Make the turn from a "Me" relationship to a "We" relationship
- Develop emotional awareness and compassion for each other.
- Create a profound trust that they have each other’s back.
- Build meaningful skills or “habits” that lead out of discordance into greater understanding and mutual respect.
- Halt negative, hurtful, and confusing conflicts that go nowhere good.
- Recognize that unchecked anger and resentment are the Achilles heels that can rob us of the joy of love.
- Build a desire and commitment to be truly present for each other.
- Be deeply heard and understood by the other. Perhaps the most common concern expressed by couples I have worked with in therapy is “He/she just doesn’t hear me!”
- Develop a true desire to “know” their partner by way of intimacy (into-me-see).
- Create interdependence–a mutual decision to rely on each other as a matter of mature choice rather than be dependent or distant based on personal insecurity.
- Create positive intentions and communication that are the bedrock of enduring intimacy.
- Develop the awareness and acceptance that difference is a fact; the difference is not the end; difference creates the opportunity for perpetual aliveness and passion.
- Understand that two kinds of love are basic and necessary to support a solid embrace:
- Human romantic and affectionate love.
- Deeper, more enduring “great love”–spiritual love.
- Know that positive, mutually supportive, and satisfying sexuality is an important gateway to better emotional, mental, AND physical health.
- Secure attachment (being safely and openly connected to each other).
If you would like to explore couples therapy with me, please give me a call at 415-383-9254.